


rising (falling) into love

by isa_writes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Falling In Love, Introspection, M/M, POV Magnus Bane, Post-Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 12:37:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18469120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isa_writes/pseuds/isa_writes
Summary: Surrendering himself, allowing someone to take care of him, giving himself fully to another person is the hardest thing he has ever done. Allowing someone to see that he isn’t always confident and he has vulnerabilities is something he hasn’t done in almost a century. Love is a vulnerability. Falling into love is an act of faith. Bearing one’s soul to another is an act of faith. Life is an act of faith.orAn introspection of Magnus's thoughts on love.





	rising (falling) into love

**Author's Note:**

> This is fully based off of Alan Watts' Falling into Love and I highly suggest you go check it out. This isn't really angst, but it's set right after Magnus's breakdown in 3x17. All mistakes are mine and I hope you enjoy!

Magnus once wondered, centuries ago, why it wasn’t called rising into love. Why something so beautiful was associated with a fall. Something that beautiful shouldn’t be analogous to something that can end in such disaster. Now, though, after so much time and so much heartbreak, he realizes, that love can end in disaster if there isn’t someone there to catch you, just like falling. 

 

Life, like love, is an act of gamble. You don’t know what you’re going to get. You can only hope. And that is exactly what Alexander Lightwood is, hope. Surrendering has never been Magnus’s strong suit. Ever since Camille, surrendering his feelings, his heart, over to someone has been a hardship. One can hand their heart over to someone else and always expect it to be returned in full. One can’t fall and know that their body will stay fully intact. Love is surrender, and how is one supposed to surrender themselves if all the past has given back is broken pieces. 

 

How is one supposed to fully surrender themselves, fully give themselves over to another person, and hope that they accept you. Magnus knows, he knows, that Alec Lightwood will not turn away. He won’t walk away and spit words that so many have said to him before. Alec Lightwood looked him straight in the eyes and called him  _ beautiful _ . Magnus has been called beautiful before, and he himself knows that he is physically beautiful. He is fully confident in the majority of his physical self.

 

He is not, however, fully confident in his soul. The deepest part of him, his centuries worth of memories. The questionable things he’s done, the demonic part of him. Magnus has never expected anybody to accept that part of him. He never expected Catarina, Ragnor, or Raphael to look at him with the same love in their eyes as they did before he bared his soul. Nobody expects that to happen. How can one believe that people will stay when they never have before? 

 

Alec Lightwood is a risk. A shadowhunter, born into a prejudiced society. Someone who was so deep in the closet, he couldn’t see a way out. Someone who never believed himself as worthy or beautiful or worth anything more. He was content staying in the shadows. The darkness accentuating the supernova of his parabatai. He accepted that he would be second. He wouldn’t be Jace’s shining gold, he would be silver. Second, undermined. Unlike others, Magnus has always seen beauty of those in the dark. Beauty in those who can’t see the beauty in themselves. Beauty in silver and in darkness. 

 

Surrendering himself completely to Alec was not apart of his plan. He never wanted Alec to see a side that he wouldn’t like. A side that not many like. Because he wanted him to stay. Surrendering himself completely to Alec, giving him every part of who he is, and getting acceptance in return never crossed his mind. 

 

Making mistakes, never being good enough, truly good enough, within his soul was a reality Magnus accepted. Giving and giving and never expecting anything in return was ingrained in him. Taking care of others, leaving himself to permeate, and never thinking twice is who he is. Magnus never expected to be first. He never expected anyone to look after him and believe that he was worth it.

 

Surrendering himself, allowing someone to take care of him, giving himself fully to another person is the hardest thing he has ever done. Allowing someone to see that he isn’t always confident and he has vulnerabilities is something he hasn’t done in almost a century. Love is a vulnerability. Falling into love is an act of faith. Bearing one’s soul to another is an act of faith. Life is an act of faith. 

 

The heart is a muscle not a bone. The heart can grow and learn and become strong is one lets it. Giving his heart to Alec Lightwood was not an easy feat. Allowing someone else to do anything they’d like with it is not an easy feat. Somehow, though, it was slightly easier with Alec by his side. 

 

With Alec and his bambi eyes. With Alec and his love. With Alec and his support. With Alec. Because Magnus never truly noticed he was falling. He never felt as if he was in free fall. He only noticed when Alec caught him. When caught him and smiled and told him he’s not going anywhere. When he caught him and didn’t let go no matter how hard Magnus tried to push him away. When he caught him and looked straight into his eyes and didn’t flinch. When he caught him and called him  _ beautiful _ .

 

Loss of control is not something Magnus is fond of. Control helps him protect his heart and those around him. Control is something that comes easily. Anybody who is completely sensible wants control. But, the idea of love is not entirely sensible. The idea of love is almost mad. Giving oneself to someone and allowing them to take your heart. Allowing somebody to do with your heart what they want is an insane idea. Love is mad.

 

So, sitting here, on a bed which is not his own, staring at his hands, which no longer feel apart of himself, Magnus has given full control over his heart to Alexander Lightwood. With tear stained cheeks and kohl bleeding down his cheeks, he is bearing the deepest parts of his soul. Not with words, but with actions. Showing his true turmoil. Showing the man he loves that he is no longer himself. That he can’t see a way out. 

 

So, kneeling in front of him, on a floor which is his own, Alexander Lightwood is taking his heart and filling it with love. He is using his control to comfort him. He is looking straight into his soul, and loving it. So truthfully, so passionately, so gently. Removing the remnants of the night’s events with a soft hand. Hands calloused with battle, moving so softly against his skin. Removing the makeup that Magnus put on this morning. Alec is kneeling in front of him, looking at him like he’s hung the stars. But if Magnus hung the stars, he thinks, then he hung them just so Alec could see their beauty. 

 

Love is not something that comes easily to Magnus. The very idea to him is confusing. Why let somebody have full reign over your heart? Why let them choose if you stay whole, or end up broken? And yet, staring into the beautiful, wide eyes in front of him, he understands. He understands the very idea of love. The idea that somebody else can help you. Magnus loves Alec without knowing how. He loves him so thoroughly it hurts. He loves him despite what the world says. He loves him despite the lack of control.

 

Magnus believes love is mad. Loving Alec, giving him himself, is not sensible. What is sensible is to let go, to let Alec love him. 

 

Love is mad, but within madness lies sanity. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts! Comment or tweet me @lightwxxdbane if you liked it. Also if you liked it I'd check out Alan Watts' Falling into Love, it's super short and really beautiful! Also full disclaimer these are my thoughts on what Magnus might be thinking, if you don't agree with it or see it a different way that is totally understandable! Comments and kudos are appreciated :)


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